In leadership, no matter whether in education, nonprofit, or business, handling conflict is an important part of the job. When human relationships are involved, there is always conflict. It’s a fact of life. There is no faster way to a toxic, unproductive situation or workplace than to allow conflict to go unresolved.
Perhaps I had better define the type of conflict I am speaking about. I’m talking about the kind that causes hurt feelings, damages relationships, and interferes with productivity and effectiveness. There is “good” conflict, but that’s for a later discussion. Let’s focus on the kind of conflict that is unhealthy and damages relationships.
Like you, I have to learn things the hard way. Let’s just say I’ve had an experience or two that has given me much better insight. Perhaps I can save you from some headaches and heartaches.
No one wants to deal with it. It’s messy, it’s loaded with traps, and it can be unpredictable. We’re working with human beings after all. We have an innate tendency to avoid situations that we can’t predict. The sooner you recognize that you don’t want to deal with it but need to, the sooner you will be able to get back to your priorities.
Unresolved conflict always, always, always, comes back to bite. That’s a fact. And it will bite you at the worst possible time, like say on a Friday afternoon when you are trying to get out of the office. Or during a staff meeting. Or in a public setting.
It will also compound over time, making resolution take that much more energy, time, and effort. Not to mention the damage that is done to your leadership, your reputation, and your mission.
Let’s talk about your options.
Avoidance can be a good choice, but it’s rare. If it’s a conflict that is repeated, then you can’t avoid it. You may try to tell yourself that the issue won’t be a big deal tomorrow or next week. It takes a very mature, self-aware leader to know when this is a strategy that may work. I would ere on the side of not using it.
Choosing to confront the conflict is normally the best choice, despite what I said about avoidance. You can’t do it over email. It needs to be in person.
Do not blindside anyone. If you’re dealing with interpersonal conflict with two other parties, which is most likely, you may have to have an initial discussion with each before bringing them together.
Plan your conversation. I would even write down exactly what you want/need to say and even read it word for word. It’s going to feel awkward but tell them, “I know it’s weird, but I want to get this exactly right so I’m going to read what I need to say.” As you get more experience, you will get better at it. But I would still plan out the conversation.
What should the plan look like? First, start with your own heart and emotions. Get those right. Recognize that you are not a victim and that the other party is not the villain, despite the stories we want to tell ourselves. Second, define the conflict. This will be your perspective, of course, but realize that their perspective may be different and they need the opportunity to voice that. As the leader, you must make sure they feel you understand their perspective. Then you can get into the actual problem-solving.
If there is a key to a conversation like this, I would say “Checking for Safety” is it. It is important to check that the other person feels that the conversation was NOT one-sided, unfair, or unsafe.
I have a Conflict Resolution Planning Guide that will give you the steps you need to plan and carry out these difficult conversations. It’s detailed and I guarantee it will help you. Just email me and I’ll send it to you. No charge and I won’t be selling or sharing your email.